Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
