I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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