Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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