Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
