I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
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just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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