hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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