i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
