so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
