I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
