dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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