Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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