Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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