Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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