Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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