I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
