Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
