i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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