Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
