She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
