I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
