Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she peed on how many people?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
