It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My bed smells like the plague
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
