who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
