literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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