call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
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Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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