peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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