oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
