At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
