Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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