I will die if light touches me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
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The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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