I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
