I am puke
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
