We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
