Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
