I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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