Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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