She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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