I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
