Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
