non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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