How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
