I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
