Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
