I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
