Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
