Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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