my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
