No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
