Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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