You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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