So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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