Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
