Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
